awareness tools
Self-Importance and Self-Growth
"… most of our energy goes into upholding our importance… if we were capable of losing some of that importance, two extraordinary things would happen to us. One, we would free our energy from trying to maintain the illusory idea of our grandeur; and two we would provide ourselves with enough energy to ... catch a glimpse of the actual grandeur of the universe." (Don Juan’s words to Carlos Castaneda in The Art of Dreaming)
"Self-importance is our greatest enemy. Think about it - what weakens us is feeling offended by the deeds and misdeeds of our fellowmen. Our self-importance requires that we spend most of our lives offended by someone." (from Carlos Castaneda interview)
How do we become more self-aware and creative so that the life becomes the magical journey of continuous growth and exciting dance with the Unknown?
The notion of ‘Self-importance’ found in Carlos Castaneda’s work inspired me greatly in understanding what keeps me from growing. He quotes in his work and in his interviews, dialogues with the Yaqui Indian Don Juan Matus. The sorcerer humorously points out over and over to his apprentice Castaneda, when he is easily offended by other people’s words or try defending himself, that what he is doing comes from his sense of self-importance, and shows him how much of his energy is wasted on upholding this self-importance .
Most of us in the modern society are afflicted with self-importance, which partly comes from identifying ourselves too much with our ego instead of with the wholeness. It is also closely connected with victimhood that we mentioned in another section. We are affected by it, not only when we are puffed up with sense of superiority or uniqueness over others, but also when we are feeling miserable and feeling small. In fact, these two tendencies are two sides of the same coin; it is all about how our little ego needs to be in the center stage, protected, cared for, and uplifted. It’s different from truly loving yourself. When there is self-importance, there is always emotional investments or charge to it. On the other hand, by growing out of such mode, creative energy that can be used for growth and expansion starts to flow again.
Needless to say, I have a full dose of self-importance myself and have to constantly check myself there. It’s amazing how my self-talk and behaviors revolve around it. ‘I wonder if I did well.’ ‘I feel miserable because so-and-so was this way to me, but I will not say anything and just act resentful.’ ‘I won’t admit that I was acting the way you pointed out to me’ – ‘me, me, me.’ Although I’m far from being free from self-importance, still my life and relationship with others have become much easier since I started to be more aware of it and try working on it.
When someone points out something to you or accuses you of the things that are hard to accept, what would be your usual reaction? It is indeed a very difficult moment because what has been said is regarded as something negative by both parties, and your self-importance gets in the way. You either get defensive, angry, hurt, or be down on yourself and depressed. However, if you listen to the accusation carefully, it usually contains some truth in it. In some cases, what you are accused of being is paradoxically what you need to do or be more, but in a slightly different way. For example, if the other person accuses you of being arrogant, you may be feeling down and subconsciously attempting to dominate the scene to compensate. What you actually need may be to have the true confidence in yourself or to speak up more without dominating the other. Once you achieve this, the chances are, you will stop irritating others by unconsciously acting big.
If you wish to not only sustain the relationship with people around you but also grow from such moment, you will need to take a further step on top of your automatic reaction. Following steps may sound simple but can be very effective in such moments.
Awareness Exercise; Dropping Self-Importance
When someone accuses you of something and you don’t like what you hear;
1) Acknowledge your initial reaction and your position
2) Breathe.
3) Even if the accusation seems preposterous, try to see if there is a fraction of truth in it, even if it’s 1%.
4) If you are moved to do so, try saying to the other, ‘It’s true. There is a part of me that is like that.’
You may change the way you say it depending on your situation and your openness: e.g. ‘Not exactly as you describe, but yes, I can see how I could be that way.’ ‘You know, actually, you are right. I’m sorry.’ ‘You are right. Actually, that part of me should come out more, but with awareness and care for the other side. Thank you for making me realize that.’
Most of the time, this alone will de-escalate the (potential) conflict scene. Moreover, you have just modeled transcending automatic action/reaction cycle, and laid foundation for fruitful dialogues with the other person.
Back to List